Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Emotionally Blank.

There's a peace I've come to know.
Thought my heart & flesh may fail.
There's an anchor for my soul.
I can say.... "it is well".

Jesus has overcome.
And the grave is overwhelmed.
Victory is won.
He is risen from the dead.

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

Blame it on Resurrection / Easter Sunday. Blame it on the rain. Blame it on whatever, but this song played on my way to work this morning & I lost my ever lovin' mind. I bawled like a baby. Finally. I will admit I have felt as if something were wrong with me to not emotionally react to the news I've received. But I had a good cry & I was done. I went to work seemingly without a care in the world. It's quite odd to walk around as if it's a perfectly normal day & your life is trucking along on the same track it were on, say, ten days ago.... and no one around you is the wiser. No one knows that on the inside you're twisting and turning like a gnarling tornado, that your entire life plan just went out the window, that you'll never feel your own baby kick inside your womb, that you've been handed the diagnosis that will probably ultimately kill you someday. Dealing with this is not for someone who is extremely existential in nature. It's pure turmoil. Those are the only emotions I've been good at feeling. Just an utter sense of a big black tornadic cloud. 

THAT is what is going on inside of me. 

My husband took me to lunch & we had an otherwise 'normal' day from the outside looking in. I came home, took a nap, and began packing & preparing for our trip to Dallas tomorrow. I admitted to my husband today that I'm a little upset that I feel this LIFE LONG DREAM of seeing a Morphea specialist, getting it approved & us looking forward to it with such joy & hope...... has been overshadowed by all of this other medical stuff going on. I hate that. I wish I could look forward to Thursday's appointment with the same joy I felt two weeks ago when I had no clue any of this was going on inside of my body. But, it is what it is. I'm sure getting out of town & us getting to Dallas will help reset my outlook. 

Otherwise I'm still emotionally blank. Stunted. All I can seem to worry about tonight is how to tell my parents. How do I tell my parents I will never be able to carry their grandchild? How do I tell my parents, who've had a hard enough time dealing with the fact that they feel like they gave me a rare disease (Scleroderma) that I've got an even worse rare disease that we have no answers for!? They're not near me. They don't have Skype. Where do I even begin.....

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